A couple of weeks ago, I squished between oodles of parents, opposite what is affectionately referred to as “the loud crowd” to watch my son play basketball against their school’s rival team. This is no ordinary game; these two schools act as though they hate one another. We are the hicks. They are the “money” school. If anyone believes we are making strides in political correctness, come to this game where the opposing school drops fake money to show that they have more and we, in turn, play up our “cowboy” by wearing flannel, cowboy boots, and hats. Our two schools are huge rivals and it kicks up unbridled enthusiasm.
As a former therapist, and one who has studied human behavior for most of my life, I had what I call “a third eye” approach to being a part of this. I participated in the excitement, listened to the “off color” cheers, and watched security guards and teachers as they hauled off students who took things too far. But, I also observed as a scientist. I wanted to tap into this excitement, rage, adrenalyn, and loyalty. At what point do we, as adults, lose this crazy level of intensity? I know some of you would say, “Well, look at some men on a Sunday afternoon watching sports…” Or perhaps we harness this into our jobs. Others channel this into our children. However, all of this energy caused me to beg the question, “What in MY life gets me THIS fired up?” I left the game with (no doubt) a headache, a hoarse voice, but more of a nagging, pondering thought.
As parents, it seems that we really do put every ounce of energy into these little beings. At first, it’s the: sleeping, crawling, spitting up, ‘oh my gosh, I can’t believe I haven’t slept in six months,’ phase. Then it moves to the toddling, messy, chasing, keeping busy, ‘is he/she really eating enough vegetables?’ stage. Then it’s school, projects, sports, friends, lessons, baking, cooking, and ‘sure you can have 10 of your best friends on a sleep over,’ phase. Finally, it’s the letting go. It’s: ‘You’re wearing what? What time will you be home? Who is that? I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that? Please don’t talk to me that way? You haven’t been home in days? I miss you! Don’t talk to me that way! Who are you?’ In some ways, it feels as though you’ve found your rival. The energy is KICKED UP!
But here’s what I’m thinking…at this stage, we need to find us again. What drives us. What makes us excited! What causes us to get pumped up. What makes us want to drop coins on a campus or wear a cowboy hat and kick up our heels. Some researchers say that this stage of life is a second adolescence for parents, because we are releasing our children and “finding ourselves” again. Who are we if we are not a “mommy” or “daddy?” Yes, I hear you, we will always be parents, but I mean the in the mix, down and dirty, making finger-paints and science projects mommy and daddy- got it?
This can be a time of tremendous anxiety mixed with relief, coupled with sadness, and a bit of joy. I would love to hear how those of you in the midst of this time are waking up to this new stage in life and finding what is driving you. As with everything, this stage, too, will pass and the rival hopefully will return home with open arms and thanksgiving, and most of all, those magic words: you were right!
So, did I answer my own question of what is driving me? Of what get me pumped up? I think so. (1)Writing, of course. I’m on page 180 of my new book, No Ordinary Girl! (2)Loving and rekindling my relationship with my husband of 23 years. (3)Tapping into my relationship with God. (4)Learning to move through my fears. These are just a few that I share.
Now, it’s your turn…
Hi, Susan! Well written, thoughtful and insightful, as always…I guess what I want to say is that my “teen years” experiences with my three now-adult children are six years past (youngest is now 26) and I am sooo glad we all got through it alive and very well, but it was a struggle trying to keep them (some more than others it seemed) from my perception of “disaster”…
With the passing-through teens of my last child living into that stage, I finally “got” the huge metaphor of Sleeping Beauty and the parents’ all-out attempt at keeping their coming-of-age child safe and removed from danger…I “got” the role of community, too, in that attempt, embodied in the various “good fairies” that came with gifts, the “bad fairy” with her poisonous gift of death and destruction and the final late-but-just-in-time gift of “she will only sleep — not die” until the kiss of “true love”…
I guess what I would share is that my kids “got” that I cared, if imperfectly, haltingly in my sometimes-desperate attempts at trying to keep one/the other away from that allegorical poisonous needle-prick (and, these days, that metaphor is waaay too close to some of the dangers lurking for our kids, eh??)…I would also share that my love for them — known and undeniable– along with love and solidarity of others in their family, and their (thankfully) bright minds and good hearts, brought them through…
Today, I am so very grateful for all of my/our efforts, their innate good sense — and for their own individuality and ideas on what is/was good for themselves…I am glad, of course, that they are “safe”, have made good lives for themselves and for their children (though in the case of one, no children even considered as yet!)…I am also very glad that they didn’t capitulate to my “old fashioned” freaking out (prompted by my naivete and fears) sometimes, but found their own ways and proportions in what they did and what they do today, all combining to create their own successful lives.
All-in-all, I guess my “message” would be that there’s nothing more important than “being there”, in solidarity and firm love for our kids/our teens, doing the best that we can at the time — and understanding that each has a “biography” to create, no matter our fears and somewhat-ignorance…Usually, it comes out very much “okay”…
And, I’ve also found that when tragedy strikes, somehow great love, peace, gratitude-in-the-face-of-the-greatest-sorrow can also be the case (but, perhaps that’s another “story” for another time: loss of children and our paths through love in the face of desolation…)
Don’t think I kept anywhere near your “Finding Our Rival” subject, but it’s what I wanted to share re. teen years, just now, Susan!
Blessings to you and all…SME
Suzanne-
You are someone who has so much wisdom and I enjoyed your well thought response. Thank you.
Oh…and the rematch is tonight!!
Still enjoy reading your work. Creative and interesting. Best to you
Thank you, Stan. You have been by my side through every major decision, twist and turn. I love that I get to share this new joy with you as well. Blessings!